Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
