I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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