how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize