hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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