are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
