your parents love me but you hate me
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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