I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
