wanna go halves on a baby?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
