I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
