can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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