I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
