I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
