i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
