Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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