you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
