I'm pants shitting drunk right now
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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