So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
