how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
