he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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