Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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