Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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