a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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