I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
