it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
she peed on how many people?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
