i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize