Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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