guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
