someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
