I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
