I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I party with great urgency now.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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