Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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