would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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