i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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