One girl and one boy is just not enough.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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