My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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