I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
