how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
