It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
