I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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