i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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