Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
