I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
