I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
