I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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