and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
