I cockslap morals
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
