I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize