I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
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Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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