Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
