Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
