don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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