Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
