Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
