the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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