He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
