you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
