we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
