Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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