i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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