You can't motorboat a personality
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
