I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
