my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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